A vague today and clear past

I am a nurse now.

I am renting my own place.

I am working, earning, paying my own bills and helping my family.

A year ago, this life I am living now was just a vague mist of possibility, a subject of my idle contemplation.

This is neither a good story nor a bad story. This is not a narrative of what could have been nor of what could not have been. This is just another idle contemplation of the still vague mist reality I am living, and the clearer picture of the person I was before.

Before I know sunrise and sunset, now I now day shift and night shift. Before I know to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and a visit to either kofficino (if I want to be alone) or Bean connection and McDo (if I want to accidentally meet with friends); now I know to eat when I am hungry. Before I walk to the library and sit between shelves and read random good books. Most of the time I always return them back to the shelves unfinished. Now, I have a shelf of good books I own, but most of them are unopened. But those I have begun reading, I have finished and I took down notes.

I know that Mildred a year ago was stubborn and passionate. Maybe not so creative but she thinks she is. Not a very good leader but gets appointed to be sometimes. She could get radical and her zeal could get ahead of her that she often made unwise decisions. She loved to walk and walk and stare at the stars, watch the harsh waves of the sea break as it reaches the walls of boulevard. She loved to read the bible and talk to God especially at the third floor of SC. She thinks she is brave but often she would cower under the dark sky of amphitheatre to cover her feelings and her weakness from the eyes of the people. She would stay there for hours and stare at the neon cross of the SU church just across Amphitheatre. She would look up at that cross with tears until someone turns off the neon light and it is time to go.

She has broken some rules, has approached strangers to tell them a Word of encouragement impressed by the Holy Spirit. She has skipped classes when she wanted to just be in the coffee shop and contemplate life, or complete a paper for a minor subject that she was passionate about. She was always working forward against some tide – most of it was of her own making.

She is a nurse now and working. Like every living thing in this ecosystem, she is learning to adapt to her environment. She is in the real world battling real life problems and not just answering written exams.

A year ago, even as she contemplates of this life, she longed of something else and she still does. Everything that is called today for her will always be vague. Maybe next year, today will be a clearer beautiful past to look back on.

She still is stubborn. She believes she is happy. I hope she truly is.

 

 

 

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