The Choice I Made

At this point in time, I am about to make a very important decision. For weeks and weeks I have been stranded in the reverie of the fantasy and hellish consequences of either paths which lead me to be so hesitant to take a step forward to either road. It is scary and exciting. I sought books, I asked God, read the Bible, listened to debates. Then I made a choice. I realized that life can have so many what ifs, but at the end of the day we have to make a choice – and yes at the end of the day, I choose to honor God. I choose to honor God. Thus, I hope and pray, that even though my feeble mind tends to view things wrong, I hope that this time I had this right. This time, Father, may you be honored and glorified with the decision I have made. It may be an unpopular decision, but it is the most sincere choice I can make – full of love, and selfless devotion. Father, I offer this decision to you. May you help me set sail this boat I am in, and please help me meet and overcome the storm I will yet to face. Thank you, Yahweh Elohim.

Once upon a time…

Everything is the same.

All system. everything.

I have not searched far enough, dug deep enough nor toiled hard enough but I have come to this conclusion that everything is the same. At the same time, it’s all so different too.

I have just passed my PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) class. And one of the concepts that have remained well in my mind is this: You have to fill the pipe so you can have something to pump and you have to pump what is in the pump to have it going. It’s an easier way of saying that you have to fill the blood vessels with fluid before you can administer vasoconstrictor  to pump it, and you cannot just administer fluid with a weak heart without aiding it with vasoconstrictor to help pump the fluid.

Now, as I was trying to unwind, I resolved to write. I started with “Once upon a time….” and I realized my tank is empty. There is nothing I can pump. Ooops, did I just talk PALS? It’s all the same. Principle wise. Writing, nursing, travelling, investing, cooking, relationships, education, government. The science of it all. But at the same time, it’s way different. Where one ends and one begins, I guess that’s where our persona exist. And here I am just as I am, unable to continue that sentence, “Once upon a time…”

Once upon a time book cover

A vague today and clear past

I am a nurse now.

I am renting my own place.

I am working, earning, paying my own bills and helping my family.

A year ago, this life I am living now was just a vague mist of possibility, a subject of my idle contemplation.

This is neither a good story nor a bad story. This is not a narrative of what could have been nor of what could not have been. This is just another idle contemplation of the still vague mist reality I am living, and the clearer picture of the person I was before.

Before I know sunrise and sunset, now I now day shift and night shift. Before I know to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and a visit to either kofficino (if I want to be alone) or Bean connection and McDo (if I want to accidentally meet with friends); now I know to eat when I am hungry. Before I walk to the library and sit between shelves and read random good books. Most of the time I always return them back to the shelves unfinished. Now, I have a shelf of good books I own, but most of them are unopened. But those I have begun reading, I have finished and I took down notes.

I know that Mildred a year ago was stubborn and passionate. Maybe not so creative but she thinks she is. Not a very good leader but gets appointed to be sometimes. She could get radical and her zeal could get ahead of her that she often made unwise decisions. She loved to walk and walk and stare at the stars, watch the harsh waves of the sea break as it reaches the walls of boulevard. She loved to read the bible and talk to God especially at the third floor of SC. She thinks she is brave but often she would cower under the dark sky of amphitheatre to cover her feelings and her weakness from the eyes of the people. She would stay there for hours and stare at the neon cross of the SU church just across Amphitheatre. She would look up at that cross with tears until someone turns off the neon light and it is time to go.

She has broken some rules, has approached strangers to tell them a Word of encouragement impressed by the Holy Spirit. She has skipped classes when she wanted to just be in the coffee shop and contemplate life, or complete a paper for a minor subject that she was passionate about. She was always working forward against some tide – most of it was of her own making.

She is a nurse now and working. Like every living thing in this ecosystem, she is learning to adapt to her environment. She is in the real world battling real life problems and not just answering written exams.

A year ago, even as she contemplates of this life, she longed of something else and she still does. Everything that is called today for her will always be vague. Maybe next year, today will be a clearer beautiful past to look back on.

She still is stubborn. She believes she is happy. I hope she truly is.

 

 

 

Such Love

Love knows no intelligence nor any boundaries. Not even the prison cell nor death doors could keep it at bay.

Such love that not even silence can capture

The sentence comes in separate words

Bridge of deep waters separate one from the other

When the sound was released, it lingers but it never stays

Not even the silent field can contain it.

I grasped for breath beneath the cold air

My words are many years old

But they never rusted even if –

Now is the first time I have really used it –

Now that we part.

And you didn’t even get to hear it –

I. LOVE. YOU.

This poem was inspired by the movie Miracle at Cell Number 7. 

After watching the movie, I realize that Love indeed is the greatest good.

Are We Seeing Right?

eye

It is true what they said that it is when the heart is broken will the eyes will be opened.

People bustle downtown minding there own business – we all have our own sphere called loneliness. Even the liveliest person you could ever name has it. Before, it takes numbers of people to build a kingdom, now a single person can live in its own kingdom of loneliness and be efficient and still have fun because of his/her  virtual bodies. We are in short walking side by side in the same path but in different directions. We neither see nor know each other. And you know why that is? It is because we are looking too close – too close within us – close enough that we are missing the big picture.

The big picture is something that I cannot objectively tell you here. It is something that you have to encounter yourself in your own journey. But, yes there is a but. I want to give you a clue – the big picture is something you can never find in yourself nor with the people around you. It is something we are all privileged to know but only a few dared to see it. And once touched by the truth of this big picture you will never be the same – for you will be ashamed that you even dared look for it deep within you. For it is something that is far greater than we could ever imagine. It is something that we can grasp but never fully grasp. You, my friend, have to go through that old book that you have called the B-I-B-L-E and discover the big picture yourself.

The Great Queen Seon Deok Quotes

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After watching Queen SeonDeok, unlike my experiences with any previous movies or series, I found myself recollecting now and again the words they have said. I groped for the wisdom that they have uttered. I found myself measuring up whether what each character did, paralleled the things they have said. I found few flaws but nevertheless Queen SeonDeok indeed is a brilliant drama. Each word spoken has been carefully thought of. Less often a character may act wrongly or may utter carelessly but even so, it never occurred to me that they are being foolish in any way. They acted with wisdom in accordance to the knowledge that they have.

  • “It shall not be as easy as you believe, nonetheless, try.”
  • Deokman: No success shall come to a nation devoid of dreams.
  • Mishil: The truth is much too cumbersome a prospect for our people; hope is beyond their capacity, dialogue is too vexatious for their feeble minds, and any freedom given will lead them to hesitate. People are pragmatic. And often they display spurious, unreasonable behavior.
  • Mishil: Punishment as cruel and stern as a raging storm, administering any reward with prudence… Those are the very fundamentals of a ruler’s hegemony.
  • Yushin to Deokman: You must have faith in what you believe is right to survive this arduous journey.
  • Lord Chunchu: Would anything pleasant offer you a swift escape?
  • Deokman: Hope can make you overcome all the pain and fatigue. The dreams and hopes of our people shall enrich this nation.
  • Deokman: A ruler who has not time for his people has no right to sit on the throne.
  • Chunchu: History is filled with unprecedented occurances.
  • Chunchu: Juvenile fatuity might influence my views  and becloud my judgment, but nowhere else have I ever seen such a barbaric and frivolous policy.
  • Deokman to mishil: You are the for I can trust more than anyone I know.
  • Mishil: I needed to rediscover my true intents.
  • Deokman; Chunchu is a remarkable young man full of resolve. i believe that wisdom will guide his choice. Unintended as it might have been, Chunchu and I spelled the end for two walls hampering Mishil.
  • Deokman: This new determination shown by Mishil heralds the advent of our strongest foe.
  • Mishil to Chunchu: It is because they did not devote their all to repress me; That is the essence of conflict. Do not mistake subterfuges with mere mind games. To become Queen, my life was drenched with stratagems. i devoted body and soul, my entire life to this. Should my presence daunt you, hold onto me. If revenge is your calling devote your all to vanquish me, like Princess Deokman. Those are the only ways you will ever be able to contend with me. Stake your life to fight me, or else, you perish.
  • Deokman to Chunchu: Arrogance and malice sweltered your soul, your mind captured by all the victims of your impending vengeance…. Since I did not trust anyone, there is nothing that I could start. Let us start together, you and I.

Chunchu to Deokman:  If you mean to embrace me, it will mean accepting my every facet even the vitriol which flows down my veins.

Deokman to Chunchu: What I can do is becoming something that can embrace all those people. Should this embrace be too small to contain all your ambition, you can break free anytime you wish.  Chunchu: Did you shed as many tears as I have?

  • Mishil to Deokman: Our statutes and institutions, they are always a perilous sword with two edges. Not only their foe, but even those wielding it may injure themselves.
  • Misaeng to Mishil: I believe the annals of history will consign you to a luminous legacy. however, this can besmirch everything you have accomplished so far.
  • Yushin to Deokman: But that would be too dangerous.

Deokman to Yushin: I realized today that nothing in life is more dangerous than surviving itself.

  • Deokman: Before the pages of history, we all were nothing but mere pawns.
  • Deokman: Your highness, the talent that I want by my side is not other than you, Mishil.

Mishil: Your triumph must be laden with fierce resistance on my part.

  • Mishil to Lord Seolwon: While you still can fight, fighting is all you can do. and when you no longer can, protecting it you must. When you can no longer protect it, retreat is all it takes. And when retreat is not even an option, surrender is your next best decision. Should even surrender prove impossible, on that day, demise will be your best compeer.

Lord Seolwon to Mishil: Why did you let them weaken you.

Mishil to Lord Seolwon: It did not. Many chapters filled my strategy, and this is merely the final one.

  • Deokman: Mishil, if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t reach this far….. I salute you Mishil… (tears)
  • Deokman: I accorded Gaya my benevolence but they refused ti believe in our future together and instead supported Wolya’s restoration movement.
  • Yushin to Bidam: Obsess over watching the deer, and you will lose sight of the mountain.
  • Deokman: Earning people is such a trifling endeavor.
  • Chunchu referring to Deokman: She is trying to show me that you cannot gain people by your acumen alone. And so are the grandiose achievements she dreams for this country.
  • ….”If people are your only goals, you will only incur danger. Bigger goals, bigger dreams are what you should aspire for.”
  • Bidam to Deokman: So why have you changed?

Deokman to Bidam: For I have no name. Princess, Crown Princess… even the scoundrels parading in the market have a name yet a rules does not. All I am is “Her Majesty.” Nobody cann call my name now. Calling my name means treason. Bidam, only you think of me as a person- as a woman.

  • Deokman: I therefore, admit my responsibility in creating this conflict. However, my convictions are firm. In war, it is the country whose people enjoy the most stability that will triumph in the end.
  • Bidam: You are like a horse on the chessboard of history, but I am not. That is why the Master said this book belongs to you.
  • Deokman: this unification is a war of endurance which might last for ten, a hundred years. It is not a matter of strategy or military power. That endurance only comes from one’s people.
  • Deokman: Gaining people’s trust might be harder than gaining all creation. But, what is harder than gaining people’s trust is having to abandon them.
  • Chunchu: Fear is an offspring of the unknown.
  • Chunchu to Bidam: Devotion has blinded you to the point of obscuring your path.
  • Chunchu: Bidam, it is most regrettable for you. But there is no page in history for a man driven by devotion.
  • Yeomjong: You are the only one who can bring destruction upon yourself.
  • Queen SeonDeok to Young Deokman: Deokman… the path ahead of you will be arduous and it will be painful. You will lose beloved ones, and experience utmost loneliness. It will be more barren and dim than in the dessert. For it will seem like you have the world, but in truth you will not be able to gain anything. But still you must endure it. All right? Endure it. Endure it to the end.

————————————————–THE END—————————————————

Silent Wails of Decayed Trust

"......Deokman.... my Deokma..." Bidam's very last words.

“……Deokman…. my Deokman…” Bidam’s very last words.

It might be difficult a task to gain the trust of people; however, it would be more exacting a calling to abandon those people whose confidence you have already earned.

Thus, a person of genuine valor would rather choose to suffer rather than to abandon that person. That person would have faith. Situations might point fingers on that person whom you trust but should you prove your alliance to be strong, faith is the very ingredient that should abound. An alliance, a relationship, a friendship, or coalition, cannot exist for long without faith.

What a tragedy would it be, for genuine fealty to end because one failed to believe enough. One failed to endure and believe. Treacherous blood may cry out in anguish and remorse but such cry would deem to be mute in comparison to the wail of silence. The silent wail of a pure fealty – pure trust and pure love torn apart by the mistake of not having faith. Silent wails indeed will  surely haunt. Sadness and not angst.

All I can hope is that for the other to remain boundlessly faithful. And only by then can silence be broken. Wounds be healed. And though the blood may dry and the smell of death perish from the land, the wounds that caused those blood to drip will surely be healed. The undying faithfulness of a person despite the other party’s failure to believe is indeed a healing potion. It knows no bounds.

And is not that a familiar situation?

This tragic yet victorious story-

Is it not your story?

I believe that it too is my story.

It may take a different page in the annals of what we call history, but your story and my story is I believe, a story drenched by the faithfulness of our KING-GOD-FATHER and also by our constant unfaithfulness.

If only we can believe. If only we can be faithful, what a wondrous fate would that be. A life in abundance indeed.

A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance.

John 10:10

This post is inspired by Queen Seon Deok  particularly by the failure of Bidam to trust Deokman.

Innocent Man

The choices they made defines their ulterior motive in life. Every decision made prohibits the other. Every path taken obliterates the other paths. Decisions made better be the best choice. There is no going back. You can only go forward.

Kang Maru, Seo Eun Gi, Han Jae Hee, and Lawyer Park, these characters moved me, made me cry, made me hope, despair, angry, relieved, happy, sad, and best of all – made me felt that in this world, some people recognize the magical effect of sacrifice.

I slept 3:00 am that night/day. It was April 30, 2013 early morning. Everyone was asleep and I was silently  crying, silently filling my heart and my thoughts with all that I can absorb from the series I was watching. Every word said, every scene portrayed, I just can’t dare miss it.

One Innocent Man who gets tangled into the lives of two complicated ladies.

One Innocent Man who got himself entangled into the lives of two complicated ladies.

I don’t know exactly how to approach this post. This is not a review, a synopsis nor a critic. This is just me pouring my heart out saying that this series is heart-breaking yet every time I watch it, my day is full. Every time I watch it, I learn something new – and even discover some truths about my very nature. I love Kang Maru and Seo Eun Gi. Han Jae Hee even is not a hated character of mine. I believe she has in her a good heart. But wrong judgment in the past has clouded her judgments ever since.

Series like this. Series that majors on sacrifice. Series that unspeakably shouts the thought that A SACRIFICE can make a very huge difference in the life of many is the kind of series that stirs my thought – that breaks my heart. Perhaps because I too wanted to be a brave person like most of these characters. I too wanted to not be selfish. The sacrifice they made entails so much love that they forgot about themselves. The cup they drink is not really of suffering but of love that moved them to do things that is just explicitly beyond normal thought.

Kang Maru did that. Lawyer Park did that too.

 

Open My Eyes

Saviour of my soul
I worship You as God alone
Greater love has made a way to You

I could not forget
The moment I in faith confessed
For my sin You died and rose again

I believe every word You say
Father God with all my heart I sing

Open my eyes
I want to see Your glory Your glory Lord
I open my heart
I want to be closer closer to You

Here I am again
I find my strength in drawing near
You have heard the desperate cry in me

And as I wait on You my God
I’ll know the voice of truth
In quietness I am in awe
And as I worship You my Lord
I understand the cross
The sacrifice of God

Blankly, my stare pierced that hall way
While this song broke my weary heart

Worn Out Feet

After a whole day of unprecedented TO DOs and TO PAYs. – Enrollment

That day I felt like I was so lost! I felt like I am taking a walk to Moriah with all this new weird feelings  all mixed up within me. But woe to me!! Who am I to  lose sight of my purpose- to glorify God – in this so little adversary! O Mildred, think of the missionaries who have to deal with all the hardships of being in a stranger’s land, aware that any bullet can hit them dead, aware that any time they can lose supply and all go starve; and yet they never  lost hope and they persevered and earnestly seek God. O Mildred seek God. Seek God.

After all the errands we spent some few minutes seated at the amphitheatre – thinking, praying, thinking, praying…   I failed  that day but it’s a comfort to know that  God’s grace is new every morning. :’)

Worn out I came to You

Fresh I came out anew

Your grace sustains me

O Father let me see

Thy hand which discipline,

teach, rebuke, comfort and save

O let not my eyes stay closed

Let not the tears go dropping

In ignorance I shall be disclosed

O Father let it be.

This I ask of Thee. This I ask.

O my Mighty God, hear this earnest cry.